"The Arockalypse"

(The End)

01. SCG3 Special Report
02. Bringing Back the Balls to Rock
03. The Deadite Girls Gone Wild
04. The Kids Who Wanna Play With the Dead
05. It Snows In Hell
06. Who's Your Daddy?
07. Hard Rock Hallelujah
08. They Only Come Out At Night
09. The Chainsaw Buffet
10. Good To Be Bad
11. The Night of the Loving Dead
12. Supermonstars (The Anthem of the Phantoms)
13. Would You Love a Monsterman (2006)
14. Mr. Killjoy
15. EviLove


They won the Eurovision Song Contest, they're coming up with enough merchandising ideas (LORDI Cola?) to make Gene Simmons get a non-Viagra-induced boner, they wear monster suits, and they single-handedly prove wrong anyone who touts Europe as more sophisticated and highbrow than the United States. But it's only been recently that folks on our side of the pond could hear what the fuss was all about — LORDI's U.S. debut, "The Arockalypse", has finally been released, and they'll be on the main stage of Ozzfest this summer.

And if you like bands like SENTENCED or THE 69 EYES and you always wondered what'd happen if you took that kind of slick, midtempo, '80s-derived hard rock and added retarded lyrics sung by a Muppet, then your ship has come in. Leave the GWAR comparisons alone, because outfits aside, GWAR is a metal band and LORDI is butt-shaking hard rock schlock. The cheese is served up hot and bubbling, the clichés stacking (and stinking) to high heaven, and the whole thing comes off — when you're listening at home without benefit of the puppet show in front of you — like a generic cartoon soundtrack.

I mean, come on — "Hard Rock Hallelujah"? Besides the fact that that's the stupidest song title since "Eep Op Ork Ah Ah", the song itself is dippy, swaggering beer-commercial metal with goofy '80s keyboards. It's impossible to take seriously, which is of course the point, but the novelty status of the project doesn't excuse the band from writing lame, derivative songs. Vocalist Mr. Lordi deserves particular scorn for his sub-Cronos croak and shameless mugging, which gets old even before the music does. Sit through "The Chainsaw Buffet" and revel in its dopey mix of jokey "Monster Mash" lyrics and a tune that makes EDGUY sound like HATEBREED — clearly, the songs were an afterthought for LORDI, long after the I's were dotted and T's crossed on their merchandise deals and the spray-paint dried on their foam rubber costumes.

This is Chuck E. Cheese hard rock for too-ironic Chuck Klosterman wannabes who feel bad about liking metal in the first place, and for the last remaining INSANE CLOWN POSSE fans brain-damaged enough to think this clumsy minstrel show actually has a deeper meaning (fake cred alert: much as Alice Cooper intro'd I.C.P. shitpile "The Great Milenko", TWISTED SISTER mainman Dee Snider does spoken-word hoo-ha to kick off "The Arockalypse". Lest you think this implies some kind of meaningful endorsement of quality, keep in mind that Snider is an unashamed shill who'd probably do a tapdance at the Pol Pot celebrity roast if it meant a paycheck or some camera time). Like so many short-lived pop culture fads, this one defies logical explanation (thus the lack of a score above) — it remains only for the band's fifteen minutes to run out and send them packing.

Defend this crap all you want, say I don't appreciate fun in rock and roll, buy up all the LORDI swag in the catalog — all I'm saying is, when you wake up from this particular bender, you're gonna be mighty embarrassed.


To comment on a BLABBERMOUTH.NET story or review, you must be logged in to an active personal account on Facebook. Once you're logged in, you will be able to comment. User comments or postings do not reflect the viewpoint of BLABBERMOUTH.NET and BLABBERMOUTH.NET does not endorse, or guarantee the accuracy of, any user comment. To report spam or any abusive, obscene, defamatory, racist, homophobic or threatening comments, or anything that may violate any applicable laws, use the "Report to Facebook" and "Mark as spam" links that appear next to the comments themselves. To do so, click the downward arrow on the top-right corner of the Facebook comment (the arrow is invisible until you roll over it) and select the appropriate action. You can also send an e-mail to blabbermouthinbox(@)gmail.com with pertinent details. BLABBERMOUTH.NET reserves the right to "hide" comments that may be considered offensive, illegal or inappropriate and to "ban" users that violate the site's Terms Of Service. Hidden comments will still appear to the user and to the user's Facebook friends. If a new comment is published from a "banned" user or contains a blacklisted word, this comment will automatically have limited visibility (the "banned" user's comments will only be visible to the user and the user's Facebook friends).