JOHNNY VOMIT

You either have a soft spot for this kind of moronic, juvenile dick-joke band or you don't. Chicago punk/metal legends JOHNNY VOMIT have been around forever, and are far, far too old to be singing songs about using bread bags as impromptu condoms and getting blown on a drunken roadtrip. But this is one of those bands that can craft the all-time stupidest song on earth, one whose very existence pisses you off and offends your moral sensibilities, and the next day you find yourself singing it too loudly at the Laundromat and getting in fights with offended right-wing trailer park moms.

Musically, the band couldn't be any catchier if you shared needles with them — think of a pit-friendly, amiably drunken mix of "Gross Misconduct"-era M.O.D., GANG GREEN (whose "Alcohol" gets a hidden-track cover treatment here),GREEN JELLO and maybe old GWAR — in short, musically rudimentary, concentrating more on delivering the one-liners and keeping their beers lined up on the amp head than showing off any technical prowess. But you know what? The world needs bands like JOHNNY VOMIT, dammit. Their soccer-hooligan boisterousness and their simple, catchy drinking-and-fucking anthems are such strong suits that it's hard not to love them, unless you're just that squeamish (after all, no one said you had to sing along with "Rock 'n Roll Pussy Hole", or even deny it's one of the most awful song titles ever devised. But just try not to rock out to it when you hear it…)

Bands like JOHNNY VOMIT, because they take nothing on earth seriously, have a hard time getting noticed beyond their indoctrinated cult following of freaks. But if you're uninhibited enough to admit that some awesome simple fast metal punk tunes with the grossest lyrics this side of El Duce's reeking corpse could be a good time, then JOHNNY VOMIT has saved a seat at the bar for you. If you accept it, though, you'll probably wanna burn your pants when you get home.