The following article was authored by Erik Missio and originally posted by Canada's ChartAttack.com on Friday, May 3rd:
Speaking on a stereotypical basis, hardcore SLIPKNOT fans are usually thought of as being only slightly above INSANE CLOWN POSSE devotees when it comes to criteria like maturity, literacy, individuality and hygiene (before we get hate-mail, let it be known that we're being partly tongue-in-cheek... but only partly).
Anyway, the angry band's angry fans (who are lovingly referred to as "maggots" in the same way that the GRATEFUL DEAD had "deadheads," Gene Simmons had the "KISS Army" and MICHAEL JACKSON has "raving lunatics") have apparently been unofficially targeting a British association of lady knitters with acts of cyber-threatening.
It seems that the maggots are annoyed that the The Knitting & Crochet Guild would dare name their quarterly newsletter the same thing that the fans' precious mask-wearing mall-core neuftet chose. Aside from being an Iowan hardcore band, a "slipknot" is also a knitting term for a running knot that can be easily untied. We're sure there's a powerful metaphor in there somewhere that links the two of them together, but we're not clever enough to find it.
Anyway, the guild, whose motto is "preserving the best of the old while exploring the new," also publishes the acclaimed Young Yarn User pamphlets, though it seems to be the Slipknot newsletter that's generating much of the interest. Which is too bad, really we here at ChartAttack fully and firmly believe that if those teenaged SLIPKNOT fans only had a copy of Young Yarn User, they could be crocheting their anger away in a far more constructive and productive manner. It'd be mighty hard to stay all raging and despondent if they're all busily making sweaters and quilts. Oh, but if we lived in a perfect world...
Even if that idyllic happy ending never happens, the besieged ladies' knitting club can still find solace from their ongoing bombarding by the maggots. Fortunately, there are people like the Anti-SLIPKNOT Army out there, keeping the cyberways safe for knitters and crochet-players worldwide. When you first log onto the brilliantly understated site, you're greeted by the following: "Do you like bands where the singer just kind of gargles vomit into the microphone? Do you like stupid masks and boiler suits? Do you call yourself a maggot? If you answered yes to any of the questions, then f.ck off. There's nothing for you here."
Filled with features like "How To Spot A SLIPKNOT Fan" and "How To Show Your Hatred," the ASKA site is chock-full of wonderful aphorisms such as "like GWAR but not as good." The absolute best part of the site is where the anonymous webmaster reprints and responds to hate-mail. It obviously takes a very special person to come up with a witty retort to "u have no life fag ill fukking kill u u dumb ass bitch... u diss slipknots web site?? urs sucks 3908583248 million more cocks bitch."
Gold, baby. Gold.
Incidentally, the aforementioned Knitting & Crochet Guild aren't the only ones to use the "Slipknot" moniker in cyberspace. There's also, for example, a wonderful Windows-based graphical web browser that can be run independently of SLIP, PPP and TCP/IP. And hey, THIS Slipknot actually won the Ziff-Davis/PC Magazine award for Best Shareware Communications Programs in 1995! Can the maggots' favourite band lay claim to such a noble honour?
I don't think so.
Even more intriguing, there's a Massachusetts jam-band that shares the SLIPKNOT sobriquet (though, they hasten to add, they've been performing under it for over two decades and had the title unceremoniously stolen by the Iowans). This incarnation of SLIPKNOT has been voted best local groove act for the Worcester-area for 1997 AND 1998! They've got a nice little web site going on, though it's clear that they haven't escaped the notice of the maggots, as the webmaster encourages fans of the "other" SLIPKNOT to enjoy the music but refrain from continuing their posting of "abusive messages." To be fair, one jam-band signed the online message book with the cheerful request that the "nu metal SLIPKNOTs [who] are worthless bastards... be drowned in boiling menstraution [sic] blood [sick]." [end of article]
ChartAttack.com is the online supplement to Chart magazine, Canada's leading authority on new alternative music. Each issue contains feature articles on current acts, scene reports from across Canada, Canadian college radio and retail charts, reviews and lots more. Chart is an essential source of entertainment and information for those who need to know about new music.