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Last Updated: May 19, 2013 3:33 PM




Tabloid Report Says EDDIE VAN HALEN Was Near Death - Sep. 10, 2012
According to The Pulse Of Radio, a report in the new issue of the National Enquirer says that VAN HALEN guitarist Eddie Van Halen was near death recently after his intestines "exploded." Van Halen was rushed to the hospital in what was described as "excruciating pain" after he swallowed a diet drink made partially of cayenne pepper, sources told the tabloid newspaper. Van Halen, who suffers from an inflammatory digestive tract condition called diverticulitis, had to reportedly have part of his small intestine removed as doctors battled to save the 57-year-old rock legend's life.

The Enquirer reported Eddie's wife, Janie Liszewski, his son and bandmate, Wolfgang and his ex-wife Valerie Bertinelli all feared Eddie wouldn't make it.

A source said, "Janie was beside him the whole time and Wolf kept a constant vigil. They were sick with worry because he was in so much pain, it really was touch and go."

As for Bertinelli, the source said, "Valerie was scared to death Eddie was going to die. Although he's remarried, Eddie is still close to Valerie, and she was there for him the whole time."

The drink that Eddie consumed was reportedly part of the Master Cleanse Diet, which he tried because of its supposed ability to rid the body of toxins.

The plan replaces food with a liquid consisting of water, fresh lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper. Health professionals have expressed concern over the lack of nutrition and high spice content in the concoction.

Dr. James O'Brien said, "The stress of fad diets increases pressure on the colon, and if the person has diverticulitis there may be leakage from the bowel into the abdomen."

A source close to Eddie Van Halen revealed that after Eddie drank the mixture, his "abdominal region was a disaster area. The spicy treatment touched off an explosion in his intestines."

The guitarist is now out of the woods, although he'll be recuperating for at least the next four months, forcing his band to put all tour plans on hold until 2013.

To report any abusive, obscene, defamatory, racist, homophobic or threatening comments, or anything that may violate any applicable laws, please send an e-mail to bmouth@bellatlantic.net with pertinent details. Anyone posting such material will be immediately and permanently banned. IP addresses are recorded to aid us in enforcing these conditions.

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COMMENT | #
posted by : Zambo
9/10/2012 10:17:00 AM
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Would Ed allow Michael Anthony to go to his funeral?


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COMMENT | 'RE: #'
posted by : ShadowOfTheWave
9/10/2012 10:27:14 AM
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Why bring that negative shit up here?


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COMMENT | Soda my ass...
posted by : robato
9/10/2012 10:28:21 AM
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HA SODA!!! LOL!
http://www.opiates.com/opiates/opiates-gastrointestinal-damage.html


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COMMENT | #
posted by : sanyr
9/10/2012 10:29:41 AM
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> The plan replaces food with a liquid consisting of water, fresh lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper.

What the fuck is that??

Eat a damn salad instead.


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COMMENT | 'RE: #'
posted by : Jubijuju
9/10/2012 10:50:12 AM
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That's the Beyonce Cleanse Diet!


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COMMENT | NO MORE BASHING EVH !
posted by : Where'sJoePerry?
9/10/2012 10:37:42 AM
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Scumbags !

Hey Haters, what kind of creative life do you have ?
Do you play music, write, paint, act, do photography or anything else ?

Didn't think so.



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COMMENT | 'RE: NO MORE BASHING EVH !'
posted by : Megamoca coffee
9/10/2012 10:44:41 AM
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No, yes, yes, no, yes and yes


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COMMENT | 'RE: NO MORE BASHING EVH !'
posted by : Alan111
9/10/2012 11:35:36 AM
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Been playin guiatr for 30 years (and can keep up w Eddie all Day long) What was your point ?/


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COMMENT | 'RE: ''RE: NO MORE BASHING EVH !'''
posted by : 11:11
9/10/2012 12:14:34 PM
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you can't keep up with your goddamn mortgage let alone EVH's playing. If you're gonna lie, at least pick a subject where you may have a small chance of someone buying it.


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COMMENT | 'RE: ''RE: ''''RE: NO MORE BASHING EVH !'''''''
posted by : Alan111
9/10/2012 2:25:53 PM
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Sorry you are as IGNORANT as you are ... After 30 years.. Don't you think I could keep up with him ..... MORON !!!!


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COMMENT | 'RE: ''RE: ''''RE: NO MORE BASHING EVH !'''''''
posted by : Alan111
9/10/2012 2:44:08 PM
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I can keep up with Eddie due to the fact that in 30 years of practice on the guitar .... Randy Rhoads was my infuence .... That says it all don't you think ....


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COMMENT | 'RE: ''RE: ''''RE: ''''''''RE: NO MORE BASHING EVH !'''''''''''''''
posted by : entenus
9/10/2012 3:37:11 PM
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i get what you're saying being a player too ... but ... really this is about evh and his health ... regardless of whether i can play as well as someone else really doesn't matter ... you sound like me except i have 36 years playing experience ... while evh is, was and always will be an influence, mr. rhoads is my favorite off all time ...

i hope evh gets well soon and continues their tour ...


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COMMENT | 'RE: ''RE: ''''RE: ''''''''RE: ''''''''''''''''RE: NO MORE BASHING EVH !''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
posted by : Alan111
9/10/2012 3:43:58 PM
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Agree 100% !!


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COMMENT | Come on people......
posted by : Neil Young's Cocaine Booger
9/10/2012 10:39:47 AM
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it was reported in the National Enquirer.

Until I hear it out of Eddie's mouth, this is just like the Morgan Freeman and Carlton from the Fresh Prince death hoaxes.


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COMMENT | #
posted by : smittygans1
9/10/2012 10:40:46 AM
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Who made the drink?? Sammy or DLR??


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COMMENT | 'RE: #'
posted by : Devil's Deja Vu
9/10/2012 12:05:09 PM
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it was Michael Anthony...


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COMMENT | #
posted by : Megamoca coffee
9/10/2012 10:43:03 AM
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Well now.... if the National Enquirer says so, then it must be true.


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COMMENT | #
posted by : MeTalPlaTe
9/10/2012 10:45:42 AM
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I have not been the biggest fan of Eddie, but if this is true I wish him all the best. No matter what him and his family don't deserve this kind of pain.


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COMMENT | #
posted by : Dr. Unk
9/10/2012 10:48:38 AM
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IF this is true...why is he doing a cleanse, when he is supposedly sober?


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COMMENT | 'RE: #'
posted by : electric-mombie
9/10/2012 10:52:15 AM
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Could be just a healthy cleanse. He is sober now. I don't think it's some sort of Golden Seal pot-blocking sort of cleanse. Hang in there, Ed. Get Well Peace.


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COMMENT | 'RE: #'
posted by : Scatter
9/10/2012 12:33:34 PM
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The body stores toxins from the stuff that we eat and drink. Cleansing is supposed to remove them. It has nothing to do with being clean and sober or not.


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COMMENT | 'RE: ''RE: #'''
posted by : The Metal Weasel
9/10/2012 1:09:49 PM
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Bullshit. Try doing some research into the role of the liver & kidneys. "Toxin cleanses" are nothing more than another scam to seperate lazy fools looking for a quick fix from their money & there isn't a shred of evidence to prove that these radical "diets" have any beneficial effect whatsoever. What the fuck ever happened to just eating a healthy, balanced diet?


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COMMENT | 'RE: ''RE: #'''
posted by : The Metal Weasel
9/10/2012 1:15:02 PM
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Bullshit. Try doing a bit of research in to the role of the liver & the kidneys. These so-called "diets" are nothing more than just another scam to seperate lazy, guillible fools looking for a quick fix from their money. There's not a shred of evidence to back up any of the claims made regarding these stupid diets. What the fuck ever happened to eating a healthy, balanced diet.


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COMMENT | nonsense
posted by : Jubijuju
9/10/2012 10:56:49 AM
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take it from someone who was hanging with Wolf. he didnt keep "constant vigil".
these papers should be sued back to the stone age for continuous false reports.


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COMMENT | The National Enquirer is actually pretty reliable these days
posted by : rando
9/10/2012 10:58:53 AM
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Ironic that he's made it through several serious bouts with substance abuse problems and then fucks himself up massively by trying a health fad.


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COMMENT | America loves bullshit!
posted by : pigchop
9/10/2012 11:04:25 AM
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Ah yes - the National Enquirer - an irreproachable news paper featuring an cutting edge, unique brand of investigative journalism.



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COMMENT | WTF is up with some people on here?
posted by : jonrocks16
9/10/2012 11:06:15 AM
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There are some people who comment on here that run the spectrum from evil to retarded. If you're so in love with Sam & Mike, then STFU and go jerkoff to your Chickenfoot album. Get well soon Edward and BTW fuck the National Enquirer! That piece of shit magazine that's not even usable as a substitute for bum wipe has done nothing but talk shit about Eddie since 1982.


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COMMENT | #
posted by : vanbasten6247
9/10/2012 11:11:08 AM
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Having diverticulitis is bad enough to, in addition, having one or more of those inflamed diverticulas leaking inside your body; nothing to make fun about. Get well and resume touring.


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COMMENT | Doug and Wendy Whiner
posted by : Post Toastee
9/10/2012 11:14:36 AM
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Remember the Whiners on Saturday Night Live? Here they are talking about diverticulitis LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkggyqUWDME

'We can't eat any of this, we have diverticulitis.'


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COMMENT | 'RE: Doug and Wendy Whiner'
posted by : 11:11
9/10/2012 12:00:58 PM
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LOL Joe Piscopo! Classic.


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COMMENT | National Enquirer
posted by : Post Toastee
9/10/2012 11:15:44 AM
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This 'rag' single-handedly broke the Monica Lewinsky story, if you don't remember!!


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COMMENT | 'RE: National Enquirer'
posted by : pigchop
9/10/2012 11:25:34 AM
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Indeed - and they did so while wrapping the sordid affair with fantastic tales of bullshit flying in from every direction. Full facts or partial fiction - who cares - one and the same. America loves bullshit.


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COMMENT | 'RE: ''RE: National Enquirer'''
posted by : Presidentyomama
9/10/2012 3:30:47 PM
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They also busted John Edwards cheating on his dying wife...and got a Pulitzer Prize for the story. Joke all you want, but the Enquirer does manage to get it right sometimes.


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COMMENT | #
posted by : pigchop
9/10/2012 11:19:13 AM
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www.allbusiness.com/finance/legal/16710250-1.html

Iain Calder - former editor-in-chief/president of the National Enquirer:

"Mr. Calder was asked about the National Enquirer’s legal budget. The scandalous headlines and the nature of the question suggested it must be a really, really, big number.

But Mr. Calder chuckled. He said that the paper didn’t get sued as often as people thought and the cases that were brought rarely reached the discovery phase. They were dismissed early. There was only one case he felt they had lost.

He attributed that success to the fact that every article was vetted by a lawyer before it was published. If the lawyer said no, the story got pulled.

Even controversial story assignments were run by legal -- not for the purpose of killing the story, but rather the purpose of crafting a game plan for how to make it work. That proactive legal advice cost the paper a million dollars a year."

-------------------------------------------0101110

Of course, a quick search will show that legal challenges against the National Enquirer make for a lengthy list. So why is the National Enquirer a rather successful 'news' rag? Simply put - America loves bullshit.



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COMMENT | #
posted by : RiotAct666
9/10/2012 11:21:54 AM
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Hope Ed is doing better these days, and has a full speedy recovery.


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COMMENT | #
posted by : User-Maat-Re
9/10/2012 11:24:35 AM
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People, it's L.A.; logic, reason, restraint, sense are not part of the cultural milieu


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COMMENT | #
posted by : UptheIrons666
9/10/2012 11:39:42 AM
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sounds like he came close to 'staying frosty'


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COMMENT | ...
posted by : rockinmyblood
9/10/2012 11:45:17 AM
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nobody wants to see EVH check out like that. The man is a legend.


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COMMENT | #
posted by : Ristifer
9/10/2012 12:00:02 PM
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A lot of you have mental problems where you think making fun of serious illnesses on the internet is somehow cool. You all want to retain your e-penis so that the poster above you or below you thinks you're so awesome for having a controversial point of view about something serious.

Some of you seriously need a head check. Let's see how you're doing in hospital when you're battling with a serious intestinal problem. Would you want the doctor to come in and start making fun of it? Oh, no, that's right. You only like to hide on the internet and make fun.

Bunch of jackasses on this site. Try getting a hobby, or a woman. It's funny, everyone and their brother makes fun of EVH saying, "Yeah, I can keep up with him all day on guitar...." Cool story, bro. Now write the countless songs that he's made into classics and make millions of dollars. Oh, that's right. You can't.

Some of you need a clue.


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COMMENT | #
posted by : TreEdeathfan
9/10/2012 12:10:26 PM
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Fuck man i didnt know it was that serious, im so fucking happy he's still here!!


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COMMENT | #
posted by : TreEdeathfan
9/10/2012 12:10:27 PM
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Fuck man i didnt know it was that serious, im so fucking happy he's still here!!


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COMMENT | God bless
posted by : ryan05
9/10/2012 12:21:07 PM
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God bless EVH! Praying for a quick recovery so u can get back to rocking the cradle!


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COMMENT | #
posted by : Deathpool Dave
9/10/2012 12:24:18 PM
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That settles it - I'm sticking to the Lemmy diet...

Get well soon Ed!


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COMMENT | #
posted by : zzzzzzzzzzzzz
9/10/2012 12:50:04 PM
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glad yer not dead ed!!
---
the way i understand it is that the 2 main tabloids are competing arms of the "intelligence community"
--
the inquirer is pro u.n./communist--

the star is pro america
=---
if they decide that someone needs to be "destroyed" in the media--the tabloids are the apparatus

van halen was warner bros//they are allies with the bad guys

so they get fairly favourable treatment in the inquirer
---
after 911 the guy that was the big chief at "the star" tabloid was killed by an anthrax attack

that was no mistake---they killed the pro u.s. tabloid guy

bullseye


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COMMENT | shouldn't
posted by : laggerlugger
9/10/2012 1:13:46 PM
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shouldn't wolfie be the one on a diet? and why would anyone include Mike in the bashing? he is a class act and though he has every reason to trash the brothers has not done so. and despite what you say all Sammy did was tell his side of the story in the book. if they were all lies then you do not think the brothers would not sue him? if somebody printed a book about me that as all lies I sure would.


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COMMENT | 'RE: shouldn''t'
posted by : wickedmessenger
9/11/2012 11:03:28 AM
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It's laughable that so many people think that MA has every right to trash the brothers. Where the fuck would he have been today if he hadn't met those guys? He's a mediocre bass player who never wrote a song in his life but he received 25 percent of the royalty checks. How many millions of dollars are we talking about here? Not even Ringo Starr got that lucky.


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COMMENT | #
posted by : jcm800
9/10/2012 3:15:07 PM
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hilarious how so many people believe this story


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COMMENT | typical reactions
posted by : sharkbyte
9/10/2012 3:19:54 PM
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The Master Cleanse is just some bullshit fad that got started so Hollywood's insecure starlets could squeeze into their dress for the Red Carpet. No doctor has ever prescribed or backed it, and maybe Eddie thought it was an easy way to slim down a bit without knowing how much damage it would do to him having diverticulitis.

Whether or not his condition was as serious as the Enquirer makes it out to be, how about having a little f'n respect?

To the idiot "Zambo" asking about MA coming to EVH's funeral, MA would go no matter what because he's a class act but to even talk about that is just f'd up anyways. To "Alan111", taking the time while EVH recovers to claim that you could "keep up with him", get onstage and match him note for note and post it on YouTube, until then go back to your Wii!


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COMMENT | 'RE: typical reactions'
posted by : sharkbyte
9/10/2012 3:22:27 PM
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Before the idiots start buzzing, let me rephrase myself...

No RESPECTABLE or well-trusted doctor has prescribed the Master Cleanse. It is not documented as a preferred method of detoxification anywhere, it's basically a cocktail conjured up for the purpose of crapping out a few days' worth of food to drop weight fast.


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COMMENT | 'RE: typical reactions'
posted by : vanbasten6247
9/10/2012 4:44:57 PM
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Well, finally we agree in something. Good post.


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COMMENT | #
posted by : zzzzzzzzzzzzz
9/10/2012 3:45:31 PM
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the u.n. agenda 21 treaty---gives control of all vitamins and supplements to the u.n.---no private purchases allowed--unless specifically given by the govt
---

this is a pro commie u.n. agenda 21 media psyop
=---
"if only eddie had taken govt protected mineral supplements"
----
the enquirer twisted the story to suit their agenda----and eddie is technically one of their bitches---

fuck the u.n. media--i guess eddie doesnt work for them anymore technically


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COMMENT | Yeah but...
posted by : speedealer67
9/10/2012 4:15:00 PM
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What's the story behind that picture ? That seems bizarre.


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COMMENT | 'RE: Yeah but...'
posted by : vanbasten6247
9/10/2012 4:41:15 PM
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If I remember well is from a video interview he did with Wolfgang, don't remember to who though (maybe CNN).


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COMMENT | fuck
posted by : ChopShop777
9/10/2012 4:52:54 PM
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glad he is still with us, hope he stays with us another 100 years with lots of great music as usual. cheers Eddie.

www.myspace.com/guitarmessiah7


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COMMENT | gullible idiots
posted by : robato
9/10/2012 10:12:00 PM
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Is anyone taking this junkies press release serious that a glass of soda exploded his intestines? Hate to break it to you but opiates are the issue. Opiates cause your digestion to slow down so much that it gets filled full of crap and stretches out until they break.

Same thing happened to the great white singer. It happened to many celebs, such as Tom Arnold too. Its unbelievable that people would thumb down what I said. Dont shoot the messenger guys, a bottle of coca cola didnt put him near death.


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COMMENT | #
posted by : robato
9/10/2012 10:12:49 PM
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p.s. Just as putting a pick in his mouth while he was doing two handed tap didnt cause his mouth cancer, smoking did. Morons.


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COMMENT | Hope all is well with Ed.............
posted by : SabbathLife
9/10/2012 10:32:20 PM
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You are in our thoughts our friend!!

Get Well Fast and hit that Stage soon !!


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COMMENT | #
posted by : metal for breakfast
9/10/2012 11:45:13 PM
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If Eddie would have just stuck with Michael Anthony's hot sauce he would have avoided these problems.


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COMMENT | National Enquirer??
posted by : Nomader
9/11/2012 12:09:43 AM
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...FUCKIN' LIES!!!!!!!!!


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COMMENT | #
posted by : rodt
9/11/2012 7:17:19 PM
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Lemon water in the morning for a liver kick start-Yes......adding syrup.Cayenne pepper??...never heard of anything so pointless & stupid.....If he wanted to cleanse stick with the lemon water,drink green tea,drink normal water.eat right & save yourself a buck avoiding these bullshit-cleanse fads......The whole Detox craze is actually doing a lot of healthy people damage, for example....it creates imbalance with the good bacteria in the gut & thats just one of many other nasties...a detox/cleanse once a year for a week-Go for it.Detox/cleanse like these half starves starlets encourage....No,you'l lose weight alright,probably end up anorexic.


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COMMENT | Rocket man!
posted by : Living Wreck
9/11/2012 8:04:41 PM
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I would like to put a bic lighter up to Eddy's asshole, and watch him take off like an F-18!!


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